If there’s one terrible thing that Jerry Maguire is responsible for — besides the lines, “show me the money,” “you complete me,” and the execrable “you had me at hello” — it’s the lie that firings and break-ups are best done in public because the hurt party won’t make a scene. It wasn’t true when the movie first came out (I forgot the fact that it also introduced us to Jonathan Lipnicki, so that’s also a reason that film sucks) and it certainly isn’t now that cell phones are everywhere and people have made it clear that they’ll absolutely stoop to recording the ostensibly private conversations of others for a slice of internet fame posterity.
And yet people keep doing it! So what choice do we have but to continue reveling in the private details of the relationships that they share over bistro salads and watered-down Bloody Marys? None. We have no choice. So settle back, stop feeling guilty, and meet your latest 15-minute internet obsession: a woman who live-tweeted the breakup of a woman and her cheating boyfriend who were seated less than two feet away (pro-tip: if you’re breaking up in public, maybe get a booth.)
Here’s some background and then we’ll get right into the tweetstorm: According to Indy 100, the woman who live-tweeted this event, Ashe Dryden, was just looking to have a nice leisurely lunch alone (maybe read a book, play some Candy Crush) when the woman at the next table decided to bust out the big guns and accuse her boyfriend of being in a long-term relationship with another woman. Let’s join the drama, already in progress:
Note to anyone trying the above: This is not an excuse for cheating. Not only will it sound dumb and hollow, but if you’re the other woman, you’re going to wonder why you weren’t allowed to run up that credit card like you were a Real Housewife of Beverly Hills. But at least the woman in this story has her priorities straight now, because she’s not just finishing her lunch, she’s really feeling herself and getting dessert.
What’s that line about not all heroes wearing capes? This is it: The exact type of emotional detachment you need to have in order to win a breakup. Take a Xanax if you’re going to try this. It helps. (I do not know from personal experience, but also maybe I might. You don’t know my life.)
This is literally that amazing Beyonce “Lemonade” fanfic brought to life. This is truly the zenith of human civilization. I don’t care what comes next because it will all pale in comparison to this woman’s casual brutality. She’s not just reading this guy to filth, she is destroying his entire life. Twenty years from now he will be in therapy still discussing this and paying $200 an hour trying to figure out where he went wrong.
The real winner in this story? The woman who just took her cheating boyfriend to school, then to church, then to the nearest lost & found. The runner up? The woman who deserves a Pulitzer for her deep and insightful reporting of an event none of us have any right to know about, but will now always see as the gold standard for leaving dudes who ain’t good to us.
Not enough drama for you? Don’t worry, because if there’s any one story that could rival this one, it’s this man’s livetweet of his friend’s entire marriage going up in a glorious housefire.