1. “We’re too similar.” This one usually means “I have a lot of flaws and I’m looking for someone who will cancel out all my flaws. Like, say I’m a narcissistic asshole, right? Well, I’d want to be with someone who knows they’re not as good as I am. You know you are as good as me, so, yeah. Bad match.”
2. “The timing isn’t right.” But I would be perfect for you if it were August 18? OK, weirdo.
3. “I’m working so much that I just don’t have time for a relationship.” That’s like saying, “I’ve been eating so much kale that I just don’t have time for cupcakes.” You eat the kale so you can eat the cupcakes, dumb ass.
4. “I’ve been in so many long-term relationships I just feel like I should keep my options open right now.” This one is annoying because it sounds so reasonable and promising. He’s been in long-term relationships, so he’s not averse to them, but it’s just too bad you didn’t meet him before now — otherwise he’d totally date you. (See also: no. 2 again).
5. “It would ruin our friendship.” Bro, I met you two weeks ago and we made out inside a bar bathroom. I’m not exactly using you as an emergency contact.
6. “You’re too good for me.” This one is the worst because then you end up spending all of this time complimenting someone who just gave you a hollow blow-off line. So now he gets to be a total dick and get told how wonderful and special his face, heart, and body are. No.
7. “I’m just in a weird place right now.” Like a bunker? A fall-out shelter full of nothing but cheese? A shoe box that’s big enough for a human to fit into? What does this even mean?
8. “We want different things.” This is often said by someone who has no idea what you want at all, but just really does not want to date you and so he makes it sound like this is the one reason, the only reason that you guys can’t date. In reality, there are, like, 70 reasons, and he’s just too lazy to name them.
9. “I don’t want to hurt you.” As though you’re a magnet for him being an asshole. There’s just something about you that makes him feel like he’s going to be awful to you and he is powerless to stop it. Is he like this with other girls? Who knows. But you, specifically, definitely bring it out of him.
10. “I got hurt really badly in my last relationship.” You did?! Oh my god! I personally have never been hurt at all, and I don’t know anyone who has. Once you’ve been hurt, you can’t possibly ever love again. Everyone knows that. I totally understand.
11. “I worry if we take things to the next level, it will ruin it.” You mean the level where we actually care about each other beyond, “Did you come?” “No, did you?” Makes sense. This level really is thrilling.
12. “I don’t think I can give you what you need.” Fidelity? Intelligence? Kindness? A sense of humor? Yeah, I guess that is a pretty tall order. My bad.
13. “I think things would be too good between us and it scares me.” Oh, totally. What could be more terrifying than a functional, happy relationship between two people who get along really well? I mean seriously, what good could possibly come out of that shitshow?