1. “Oh, I didn’t think we were exclusive.” This is a bad thing to say a month into the relationship. This is an even worse thing to say a year into the relationship. Always make sure you’re on the same page, even if that page is a chapter titled “Friends with Benefits.”
2. “We need to talk…” You can talk whenever you want. Just start talking. Prefacing like this and then letting us wait for the bad news for 8 hours is just torture. Unless you’re one of those terrible people who say “we need to talk” and you just want to talk about how you need to rearrange the cereal boxes at your home. There’s a special level of hell for you.
3. “I need some time alone.” There’s a huge difference between needing a weekend of alone time and needing “time alone.” Alone time just means you want to hang out in bed all day watching TV without looking at another human being. “Time alone” means “let’s take a break.” If that’s what you mean, don’t be polite, just end it humanely.
4. “If you really loved me you would…” No matter how you finish that sentence, that statement is ridiculous. This isn’t the Princess Bride.
5. “You’ll pay for this, right?” This is something the mean step-mom from The Parent Trap would say. No. If we want to pay for you, we’ll offer.
6. “No don’t, I’ll just get a professional plumber.” Listen, unless attempting to fix a leak or a busted drawer will end in our death, let us at least try to fix it. Having to stand there while some guy has his hands all up in our pipes just isn’t dignified. We treat it as a last resort.
7. “You’re so smart/hot/cool/etc., but you’re just not that… funny.” There are few things worse than being told you don’t have a sense of humor. Some guys would even rather be called “ugly” or “stupid” before being told they’re not very funny.
8. “Did you cancel your gym membership?” This one really stings. Even if we’re not a big guy, best case scenario you’re saying we look less fit.
9. “How many people have you slept with?” Never ask this of anyone unless you are a doctor. You will never, ever like the answer.
10. “Tell me about your ex.” WHY? Even if we have good things to say about her, we’re not about to tell them to you. Unless his ex is the mob boss dad from Kindergarten Cop or an active serial killer, there’s no reason to know about them.
11. “You’re getting too big.” Yeah, guys hate it when you tell them they’re flabby, but they also hate it when you tell them they’re going to the gym too much. SO WHAT IF MUSCLES AREN’T GOOD FOR CUDDLING?
12. “Why don’t you want to have sex? Are you not attracted to me?” This is the worst question. Passing on sex once because we’re so hungover we want to die doesn’t mean the spark is gone or you’re not hot. Contrary to popular belief, we’re not always in the mood either.
13. “Do you really need another phone?” Yes. They aren’t the same. Not all video games are the same. We need to watch football live. We need to. These are basic components of life, like air or water or nachos.